An Absurd Conversation With The Fairy Queen
Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2014 6:07:07 pmI am starting to think that my beloved Fairy queen has figured out with whom she lives...and that this is a bad thing for my sanity. This led me to one of the most absurd conversations of my life...given that I deal with politicians that is really saying something.
"I want you to conquer an unihabited planet for me and my kind to live on." Tiri said, out of the blue one day while she was watching me do paperwork (the bane of my existence).
"Wait what?" I said. I had to have heard that wrong.
"I want you to conquer an uninhabited planet for me and my kind to live on and rule".
"You don't conquer an uninhabited planet." I said, clearly not entirely processing what she was saying. "You colonize one."
"Then find us one to colonize." She said, swishing a bunch of stuff off my desk to reveal a star chart.
"Why is this one marked through?" She asked, looking at the planet labeled Y-29. It had a line through it on the star chart, next to a very small note, 'check exports from this planet for contraband bug repellant'.
"Because it is where Wyrm-nip comes from." I said. "Though the mark through really just means that it has been checked by one of my healers for useful plants., the note is about the wyrm nip."
"Oh." She said. "Now," she continued to study the chart intently. "Find us a planet that is uninhabited to colonize."
"There aren't any planets at the moment that are wyrm habitable that aren't inhabited by some sentient species or another." I said. "Those sorts of planets are really rare."
Unbeknownst to me, Shadowdancer had flown in and was looking at another stack of reports on my desk.
"what about this planet?" Shadowdancer said holding up one of the reports.
"This one you seem to be planning to conquer."
"I wasn't planning to conquer it, that is just one of a set of contingency plans." I said through gritted teeth. Was I really having this conversation?
"Is that the one Sula was researching?" Reth squiggled his way down from a spot he had found in the rafters of my office. He and Hatsheput had a really nice nest going up there...along with two of my "pet" hellhounds (I swear you get used to the menagerie that my base is if you live here long enough).
"Yes that is the one that Sula has been researching." I said.
"He really doesn't like the options on the table." Reth said. This wasn't news to me.
"Neither does the political leadership." I said.
"So then you aren't going to conquer it." Tiri asked, studying the plan, having been handed it by Shadowdanceer.
"We haven't decided yet." I said with a sigh, discussing foreign policy problems with my Squirm really wasn't on my to-do list today.
"Why not?" Tiri asked.
"Because it isn't that simple, we have a 10,000 year old colony turned city state on one continent that is doing very well for itself and the natives on another, too nearby for our liking, continent have decided that they want our resources." I said.
"But you can't just send them a nasty message?" Reth asked.
"Not this time." I said. "That is the problem, no point, they will just get irritated again in the too near future and we are back to square one."
"Why?" Tiri asked.
"Because they want our resources and being a dictatorship, they don't like our example of extremely las-e-faire government and the resulting prosperity." I added. "So it is either run the country over or put up with them forever saber rattling."
"But you have such big powerful ships." Tiri said. "I know I was on one a few weeks ago."
"One doesn't win wars from the air alone." Reth said...and then shrank back into his nest as Tiri glared daggers at him for daring to speak to her.
"Reth is right." I said. "It isn't the war that is the problem, it is the peace afterwards. The rest of the countries on the planet aren't exactly happy with us either for more or less the same reason, so really the only option to take care of the problem permanently is to take over the whole planet and put it under Catrian Imperium rule." (Granted, Imperium rule is almost an oximoronic statement, if they thought the state government on this planet was lazy and didn't do anything other than make sure the roads had signs, wait till they see what the Imperial government does...managing space ports and travel lanes, collecting tariffs and maintaining a military and that takes all their time, the empire's reach is huge)
"Well then what is the problem?" Tiri asked. "Take over the planet and be done with it."
"Then we have to occupy the planet." I said.
"I don't see a problem," Tiri said. "We can occupy the planet." I heard Reth laughing...he had laughed himself off the ledge and was hanging from of the hellhounds tails. The hellhound very carefully lifted him back up to the nest.
"Tiri, you really need to understand, occupying a planet is a uniquely hard activity." I said, trying not to laugh myself. The idea of a horde of wyrms trying to do occupation detail on a planet...was a hard image not to laugh at. Granted, Fairy wyrms probably have enough magic to them and if you could create Growler groups to herd people by biting ankles and the Teslas could take the whole civilization back to pre-industrial revolution in a reasonably short period of time but still...I am not really considering this am I?
"You think that is funny." Shadowdancer snarled at Reth, who was now curled around the hellhound's neck.
"So then who drew up these plans?" Tiri asked, reading the plans. "They don't make sense, so many references to things out of human history."
"That was Sula's doing." Reth said.
"And why do you have that brute doing planning for you?" Shadowdancer said, snatching the plans away from Tiri. Shadowdancer doesn't like Sula...or anyone other than me, Tiri and Shar'sha.
"Because he is a desert fox." Reth said, pre-empting my response. Reth bristling...that is unusual but Sula has that effect on his friends. He is loyal to them and they are loyal to him.
"He is my primary ground forces planner and commander." I said before things got any worse. "The history references are short hand for situations, tactics and other things, that set of plans is only for me and my senior staff." I took the tablet devise that the report was open on away from Shadowdancer. "The final plan will have all those references removed and what they are short hand for explained."
"Oh." Shadowdancer said, rather huffily.
"I think I am going to have to put an end to this conversation." I said with a sigh. "I really do have to get things done and this isn't helping." I got out of my chair and started picking up the stuff Tiri had swept onto the floor. "Trust me, I could live without having to dig my way out of this pile of paperwork but 'I was planning planetary conquest for the wyrm queen' isn't going to fly with the supply section for why I didn't get the orders in when they want them."
"But you are the general in charge of the entire military." Tiri said, rather surprised. "No one can tell you what to do."
"The supply section can." I said. "They tell everyone what to do."
"But..." Tiri started.
"I get to fight the wars, have all the stress but the supply officers really run things." I said.
"She is right." Reth said, sticking his head out from behind the hellhound's neck. "An army marches on its stomach after all."
"Okay, but this isn't over." Tiri said. "I think that the wyrms need a planet of their own." She and Shadowdancer flew back into my quarters.
"What she really wants is a planet to rule." I heard Hatsheput comment to Reth as soon as the door to my quarters had slid shut, meaning that neither Tiri nor Shadowdancer could possibly hear her.
"What would be logical would be to create a wyrm-run vacation planet." I said. That I could do...after this latest bit of foreign policy headache was off my to-do list.
"I want you to conquer an unihabited planet for me and my kind to live on." Tiri said, out of the blue one day while she was watching me do paperwork (the bane of my existence).
"Wait what?" I said. I had to have heard that wrong.
"I want you to conquer an uninhabited planet for me and my kind to live on and rule".
"You don't conquer an uninhabited planet." I said, clearly not entirely processing what she was saying. "You colonize one."
"Then find us one to colonize." She said, swishing a bunch of stuff off my desk to reveal a star chart.
"Why is this one marked through?" She asked, looking at the planet labeled Y-29. It had a line through it on the star chart, next to a very small note, 'check exports from this planet for contraband bug repellant'.
"Because it is where Wyrm-nip comes from." I said. "Though the mark through really just means that it has been checked by one of my healers for useful plants., the note is about the wyrm nip."
"Oh." She said. "Now," she continued to study the chart intently. "Find us a planet that is uninhabited to colonize."
"There aren't any planets at the moment that are wyrm habitable that aren't inhabited by some sentient species or another." I said. "Those sorts of planets are really rare."
Unbeknownst to me, Shadowdancer had flown in and was looking at another stack of reports on my desk.
"what about this planet?" Shadowdancer said holding up one of the reports.
"This one you seem to be planning to conquer."
"I wasn't planning to conquer it, that is just one of a set of contingency plans." I said through gritted teeth. Was I really having this conversation?
"Is that the one Sula was researching?" Reth squiggled his way down from a spot he had found in the rafters of my office. He and Hatsheput had a really nice nest going up there...along with two of my "pet" hellhounds (I swear you get used to the menagerie that my base is if you live here long enough).
"Yes that is the one that Sula has been researching." I said.
"He really doesn't like the options on the table." Reth said. This wasn't news to me.
"Neither does the political leadership." I said.
"So then you aren't going to conquer it." Tiri asked, studying the plan, having been handed it by Shadowdanceer.
"We haven't decided yet." I said with a sigh, discussing foreign policy problems with my Squirm really wasn't on my to-do list today.
"Why not?" Tiri asked.
"Because it isn't that simple, we have a 10,000 year old colony turned city state on one continent that is doing very well for itself and the natives on another, too nearby for our liking, continent have decided that they want our resources." I said.
"But you can't just send them a nasty message?" Reth asked.
"Not this time." I said. "That is the problem, no point, they will just get irritated again in the too near future and we are back to square one."
"Why?" Tiri asked.
"Because they want our resources and being a dictatorship, they don't like our example of extremely las-e-faire government and the resulting prosperity." I added. "So it is either run the country over or put up with them forever saber rattling."
"But you have such big powerful ships." Tiri said. "I know I was on one a few weeks ago."
"One doesn't win wars from the air alone." Reth said...and then shrank back into his nest as Tiri glared daggers at him for daring to speak to her.
"Reth is right." I said. "It isn't the war that is the problem, it is the peace afterwards. The rest of the countries on the planet aren't exactly happy with us either for more or less the same reason, so really the only option to take care of the problem permanently is to take over the whole planet and put it under Catrian Imperium rule." (Granted, Imperium rule is almost an oximoronic statement, if they thought the state government on this planet was lazy and didn't do anything other than make sure the roads had signs, wait till they see what the Imperial government does...managing space ports and travel lanes, collecting tariffs and maintaining a military and that takes all their time, the empire's reach is huge)
"Well then what is the problem?" Tiri asked. "Take over the planet and be done with it."
"Then we have to occupy the planet." I said.
"I don't see a problem," Tiri said. "We can occupy the planet." I heard Reth laughing...he had laughed himself off the ledge and was hanging from of the hellhounds tails. The hellhound very carefully lifted him back up to the nest.
"Tiri, you really need to understand, occupying a planet is a uniquely hard activity." I said, trying not to laugh myself. The idea of a horde of wyrms trying to do occupation detail on a planet...was a hard image not to laugh at. Granted, Fairy wyrms probably have enough magic to them and if you could create Growler groups to herd people by biting ankles and the Teslas could take the whole civilization back to pre-industrial revolution in a reasonably short period of time but still...I am not really considering this am I?
"You think that is funny." Shadowdancer snarled at Reth, who was now curled around the hellhound's neck.
"So then who drew up these plans?" Tiri asked, reading the plans. "They don't make sense, so many references to things out of human history."
"That was Sula's doing." Reth said.
"And why do you have that brute doing planning for you?" Shadowdancer said, snatching the plans away from Tiri. Shadowdancer doesn't like Sula...or anyone other than me, Tiri and Shar'sha.
"Because he is a desert fox." Reth said, pre-empting my response. Reth bristling...that is unusual but Sula has that effect on his friends. He is loyal to them and they are loyal to him.
"He is my primary ground forces planner and commander." I said before things got any worse. "The history references are short hand for situations, tactics and other things, that set of plans is only for me and my senior staff." I took the tablet devise that the report was open on away from Shadowdancer. "The final plan will have all those references removed and what they are short hand for explained."
"Oh." Shadowdancer said, rather huffily.
"I think I am going to have to put an end to this conversation." I said with a sigh. "I really do have to get things done and this isn't helping." I got out of my chair and started picking up the stuff Tiri had swept onto the floor. "Trust me, I could live without having to dig my way out of this pile of paperwork but 'I was planning planetary conquest for the wyrm queen' isn't going to fly with the supply section for why I didn't get the orders in when they want them."
"But you are the general in charge of the entire military." Tiri said, rather surprised. "No one can tell you what to do."
"The supply section can." I said. "They tell everyone what to do."
"But..." Tiri started.
"I get to fight the wars, have all the stress but the supply officers really run things." I said.
"She is right." Reth said, sticking his head out from behind the hellhound's neck. "An army marches on its stomach after all."
"Okay, but this isn't over." Tiri said. "I think that the wyrms need a planet of their own." She and Shadowdancer flew back into my quarters.
"What she really wants is a planet to rule." I heard Hatsheput comment to Reth as soon as the door to my quarters had slid shut, meaning that neither Tiri nor Shadowdancer could possibly hear her.
"What would be logical would be to create a wyrm-run vacation planet." I said. That I could do...after this latest bit of foreign policy headache was off my to-do list.